The 5 Unspoken Rules of the Summer Pool

Ready yourself Wendy Peffercorn.

Rule #1: Upon arrival, don't sulk around the locker room like you just lost the big game.

Storm the place like you just won the cup.

Even the Romans enjoyed a good slack line.

Rule #2: Never respect a male lifeguard.

Remind him that a grown man doesn't need a whistle to be heard.

Giving folks the green light to go down the slide

is great preparation for a four-figure salary.

Rule #3: Want to get a girl's attention?

Try pulling a Squints.

Flexing your muscles is a great way to get noticed in prison.

But at the summer pool, fake drowning is the fastest way to get play.

Put your life in danger for a little 5 second frencher.

Rule #4: Apply sun screen liberally to steer clear of the sun.

Spray it on thick like it's perfume and you're a

Riverdale hooker prepping for Fleet Week.

Besides, tans are the fastest way to show someone you work outside.

Rule #5: Don't waste time running to the bathroom.

Aquatic predators don't leave the water to take a leak when blood is in the water.

You don't see a beaver in the middle of cleaving a dam go wet the woods.

An otter doesn't leave the rock to flush his buffers when he's cracking some clams.

An orca never leaves the pod to go squeeze a lemon while he's pounding a flounder.

Besides, people pay good money for a heated pool.

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