the weekly bird
The 5 Unspoken Rules of the Summer Pool
Ready yourself Wendy Peffercorn.
Rule #1: Upon arrival, don't sulk around the locker room like you just lost the big game.
Storm the place like you just won the cup.
Even the Romans enjoyed a good slack line.
Rule #2: Never respect a male lifeguard.
Remind him that a grown man doesn't need a whistle to be heard.
Giving folks the green light to go down the slide
is great preparation for a four-figure salary.
Rule #3: Want to get a girl's attention?
Try pulling a Squints.
Flexing your muscles is a great way to get noticed in prison.
But at the summer pool, fake drowning is the fastest way to get play.
Put your life in danger for a little 5 second frencher.
Rule #4: Apply sun screen liberally to steer clear of the sun.
Spray it on thick like it's perfume and you're a
Riverdale hooker prepping for Fleet Week.
Besides, tans are the fastest way to show someone you work outside.
Rule #5: Don't waste time running to the bathroom.
Aquatic predators don't leave the water to take a leak when blood is in the water.
You don't see a beaver in the middle of cleaving a dam go wet the woods.
An otter doesn't leave the rock to flush his buffers when he's cracking some clams.
An orca never leaves the pod to go squeeze a lemon while he's pounding a flounder.
Besides, people pay good money for a heated pool.
