the weekly bird
We Asked the Guys in the Office What They'd Do if They Won the LotteryMore like when then if.
SAM: I'd start a competing peanut butter company to Jif called Iff.
My slogan would be: "Choosy Moms choose Jif. Easy Moms choose Iff.
MASON: I'd buy a new car for everyone in my family.
But not a nice car... like a Ford Fiesta. I wouldn't want them to think THEY ALSO won the lottery.
PETER: I'd buy a private jet, hire a pilot, fly to the nearest active volcano, and take a s*** in it.
It would be amazing to watch a turd pop and explode as it bounces on lava.
KYLE: I'd take out a full-page ad in the NY Post or some second-rate newspaper.
It'd be a picture of Pat fully nuked saying: "For a good time, call Easy Pat".
MARK: I'd launch a TV station called the Asian Movie Channel (AMC).
I'd redo Mad Men and The Walking Dead with Asian characters who use logic and low wages to solve their problems.
KARL: I'd follow Taylor Swift on tour.
Eventually, she'd see me in the crowd and call me on stage. I'd be all like, "Oh, I don't know the words..." But I do - I know every word. Then, we'd perform the rest of the show together and make coitus on stage. The crowd would go wild.
Months later, we'd record a duet album and break up shortly after because I'm "not about the music anymore." Plus, I'd have been hooking up with Selena Gomez on the side the whole time.
Call For Dick Hertz and Other Pranks We Regret From Childhood.
Why Aren’t BBQs Called Meat-N-Greets and Other Word Improvements.
Office Poll: What's Your Spirit Animal?
Negotiating Tactics for Guys Who Use the Word Mufflebags.
Movies We Haven't See and What We Think They're About.