GYM SHORTS FOR FREE BALLING CROTCH CRUSADERS

8 Facts of 80's Latte Legend Juan Valdéz

Requiring us to honor him with his own pair of gym shorts.

 

Fact #1: Juan Valdéz got his start collecting Mexican Wrestling cards.

He had the only complete set of La Chupacabra - or the Mexican Strangler.

He sold his collection in '71 for $635 - but that's like 2.7 billion pesos. 

 

Fact #2: Juan started his import operation on a small scale.
He made a drug mule out of a box turtle and a turkey sandwich on rye.

The sandwich was for the turtle. 

 

Fact #3: Juan was such a cocksure teen, he entered his own dongle into a cockfight and lost terribly.

All was not lost, turns out old Juan had bet against himself and made a killing.

 

Fact #4: Juan appeared on The Price is Right and won the Showcase Showdown.

But he never saw a dime of his winnings due to a legal dispute over taxes owed on a brand new Chevy Cavalier and a collection of women's shoes.

 

Fact #6: To celebrate his boy's Quinceañera, Juan had his son blow up a cow with a bazooka.

But out of respect for the cow, he used all of the meat in a guyo-pinto styled dish that was the talk of the town for days.

 

Fact #7: Juan has a lifetime ban from Dave and Busters for cashing in counterfeit tickets.

He made off with a giant panda and a dozen Twizzlers.

 

Fact #8:  To commemorate his 50th birthday, Juan's hometown of Tunja gave him a key to the city.

In return, Juan gave all the town's women pretty severe UTIs.

 


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