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The story begins

Tony Softnuts Vs. Joe Heisman

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This is Joe's twin brother: Tony Softnuts.

He opens a bag of chips with scissors.

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In high school, the principal offered up his parking spot to Joe Heisman after he won state for the 2nd year in a row.

Tony Softnuts got his car keyed after it was mistaken on an AMBER Alert.

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Joe Heisman got so many bags of candy from cheerleaders on game day, he needed a hand hauling them to his car.

Tony Softnuts wore orange and black on St. Patricks Day and everyone started calling him Reese's Pieces.

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The teachers' aides used to flash Joe Heisman when he left late from practice.

Tony Softnuts had a drunk construction worker expose himself one day while walking to school.

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The only negative thing ever spoken of Joe Heisman was the rumor that he gave half the field hockey team an STD.

Tony Softnuts got a UTI from a Rascal Flatts tailgate because he couldn't pee with ladies around.

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