The story begins

Tony Softnuts Vs. Joe Heisman

This is Joe's twin brother: Tony Softnuts.

He opens a bag of chips with scissors.

In high school, the principal offered up his parking spot to Joe Heisman after he won state for the 2nd year in a row.

Tony Softnuts got his car keyed after it was mistaken on an AMBER Alert.

Joe Heisman got so many bags of candy from cheerleaders on game day, he needed a hand hauling them to his car.

Tony Softnuts wore orange and black on St. Patricks Day and everyone started calling him Reese's Pieces.

The teachers' aides used to flash Joe Heisman when he left late from practice.

Tony Softnuts had a drunk construction worker expose himself one day while walking to school.

The only negative thing ever spoken of Joe Heisman was the rumor that he gave half the field hockey team an STD.

Tony Softnuts got a UTI from a Rascal Flatts tailgate because he couldn't pee with ladies around.