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The story begins

Meet Quaker John: He's A Man Amongst Mennonites

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Quaker John was a prolific lover.

He drove the local handmaids wild with a move called the "Amish Oil Change"...

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John wouldn't dare engage in premarital relations. So he performed a communal marriage to the entire town.

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Quaker John's chest hair can be used as steel wool.

And his urine makes a fine wood varnish.

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Farm to table?

Quaker John doesn't eat anything he hasn't looked in the eye and bled out himself.

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There are no roosters on Quaker John's farm.

His presence alone causes hens to produce eggs.

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