The story begins

Meet Quaker John: He's A Man Amongst Mennonites

Quaker John was a prolific lover.

He drove the local handmaids wild with a move called the "Amish Oil Change"...

John wouldn't dare engage in premarital relations. So he performed a communal marriage to the entire town.

Quaker John's chest hair can be used as steel wool.

And his urine makes a fine wood varnish.

Farm to table?

Quaker John doesn't eat anything he hasn't looked in the eye and bled out himself.

There are no roosters on Quaker John's farm.

His presence alone causes hens to produce eggs.